Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in sh4d0wsf4llchic's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, July 21st, 2005
4:21 pm	kso.. I got raped. I was NOT dancing, I got raped. Cox:"Hey Mehg wanna fuck?" Cox:"Rape it is then" Bahaha. I love him&Nick. They surprise visited me the other day. Nick almost lost my squirrel, he put it in his car in a bag, and he got out.:( Poor Squirrel. I'm gonna try my hardest to make it to their show on the 31st since it's Cox's bday:) And hopefully by then I'lll have my new memory card so I can take pictures yayaya:) I'm excited. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 12th, 2005
4:35 pm	New hair. +++I think it's funny when people who leave me comments end up getting their account suspended. Also, I now have xanga, and very rarely update this lj thing. (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 14th, 2005
1:25 pm	(I know you ain't there That's why I just want to let you know something bro You all know I love you You all know you're my homies And eh... Alright we'll talk later - peace!) [Violent J] Let me ask you this about this life we live And let me try to swerve some of this attention you give To them distant ass relatives over ham dinner If they really missed you so much Why don't they just call in (Muthafucka) ? If you wasn't blood, would you still have love? Or infact does the blood make you think you have to love? Look, I probably love my family more than anybody here But my homies are family too, 3rd cousins' get outta here Who was you with when you got tattooed? And who was you trippin' with when you did them mushrooms? And who the fuck threw up all over your car? And then felt worse than you about that shit in the morning? (Friends ya'll) [Shaggy 2 Dope] Who loaned you money, homie? Who owes you cash? (Who?) Who taught you how to use the bong for the grass? (Who?) I don't know much but I gotta assume When ya hit ya first neden, ya homies was in the next room [Chorus] We talkin' about HOMIES! HOMIES! Talkin' bout road dogs of mine! Our motha fuckin' HOMIES! HOMIES! We throwin' up clown love signs (Real Juggalo) HOMIES! HOMIES! Talkin' bout road dogs of mine! HOMIES! HOMIES! (Man that's my dawg) [Violent J] Have you ever had a job that you truly despise? Like I don't know maybe dish washin', or fuckin' flippin' fries And you got this boss who thinks he's the Don Mega Because he the head manager (Chief Chili Fry Maker) All you can vision is ya'll beating him down Your homies standing on his back while you kicking his head around But responsibility is there, I can't lie tho I'd of been plucked his fucking eye ball out with a chicken bone I'm crazy as fuck, I'll rip your piercings off And now my homies are holding me back so I don't look soft [Shaggy 2 Dope] When you snuck the car out who did you get? (Who?) And when you got caught, who you blame the shit? (Who?) Who can you relax around and scratch your balls? (Who?) Homies, I'm talking about like you and yours [Chorus] We talkin' about HOMIES! HOMIES! Talkin' bout road dogs of mine! Our motha fuckin' HOMIES! HOMIES! We throwin' up clown love signs (Real Juggalo) HOMIES! HOMIES! Talkin' bout road dogs of mine! (Yeah, Yeah) HOMIES! HOMIES! [Violent J, Anybody Killers, and Juggalos] If you don't like it, you can fuck off! Carnival ain't for everyone! If you don't like it, you can fuck off! Carnival ain't for everyone! [Jamie Madrox] Me and my homies stay tight like a noose And if you step to one of us you better step to the whole crew I never knew that I could depend That I could have some friends that's down to the very end Well that's my homeboys excuse me, my family And when we conquer the world We mackin' on the galaxy 'cause sky's the limit and we ain't finished And if my homies gonna ride ya know I'm with it [Monoxide Child] Puff it and pass it and I give it to my homies ya'll Hit it and quit it and then I give it to my homies ya'll I got the world around my finger with my homies ya'll And everything is obsolete unless I hear my homies call We world wide, were homies across the planet Sticking together like zippers on a Michael Jackson "Beat It jacket" They got my back like a tat for that, I love ya'll Hanging till we old and gray like grandpas (Psychopathic) We talkin' about HOMIES! HOMIES! Talkin' bout road dogs of mine! Our motha fuckin' HOMIES! HOMIES! We throwin' up clown love signs (Real life Juggalo) HOMIES! HOMIES! Talkin' bout road dogs of mine! HOMIES! HOMIES! If you don't like it, you can fuck off! Carnival ain't for everyone! Keep it in your click fuck the outside baby If you don't like it, you can fuck off! Carnival ain't for everyone! Runnin' with the homies until i'm old like Grady If you don't like it, you can fuck off! Carnival ain't for everyone! Keep it in your click fuck the outside baby If you don't like it, you can fuck off! Carnival ain't for everyone! Swingin' hatches on the daily with my crew actin' crazy We talkin' about HOMIES! HOMIES! Talkin' bout road dogs of mine! Our motha fuckin' HOMIES! HOMIES! We throwin' up clown love signs (Real life Juggalo) HOMIES! HOMIES! Talkin' bout road dogs of mine! (Juggalo homies) HOMIES! HOMIES! If you don't like it, you can fuck off! Carnival ain't for everyone! If you don't like it, you can fuck off! Carnival ain't for everyone! So, that song has so much meaning to me, but sometimes it slips away. North Carolina&the people there meant the world to me. Everything in this song has happened between me and my friends there. I can't believe I'm letting myself forget them. I have no clue what I'm thinking doing this. When that guy pushed me into the locker, they were there for me. A cop had to escort the faggot around the school cause all my friends were after him. When I went back to NC guess what faggot apologized to me? Yeah, the one that pushed me into the locker. When my friend oded at my house when I was out of town, and told them they could chill there, who covered for me? They did, they told the cops they were walking to my house, and it happened outside. After school everyday who would wait at the corner for me? They would. When I wasn't allowed to hang out w/ them anymore who would sneak in my house just to chill w/ me? And who would drive me home after school as fast as they could when I wasn't allowed to get rides w/ them anymore? They would. Who threw those parties for me for all the times I was leaving? They did. Who did I spend my weekends walking miles w/, and just hanging out w/? Them. I wish they knew how much they meant to me, and I bet this means tonight I'm gonna have some emotional phonecalls. I miss them fucks. I'm def. going back for xmas, whether I have to stay in a goddamn hotel, or josh's, or bobbi's. I'll be there. Current Mood: cold (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, June 13th, 2005
11:24 am	... So uh, I hung out w/ Nick, Cox, &Ashton last night. We went to the park:-/ It was NOT fun.No one would swing w/ me. Ew. Then at like 1 in the morning Jeff came over, then at 2 Matt came over, lol. We hung out at the tennis court. I haven't played tennis in forever, I miss it:-/.I got in trouble for that but ohwell. It's summer, so screw it. I shouldn't have to babysit my brothers. One of them is 12 old enough to take care of himself, and one is 8. I was freaking 10 when I started watching them. But....I guess that's cause certain things happened to me, and I grew up to fast. Toooooday is gonna suck, everyday until Thursday's gonna suck, cause then I get music. I've also decided if I'm not gonna date what's the use in even liking someone, so I'm not gonna like anyone. Some guys it's hard NOT to like though. Geez. +I've been surrounded by people that are cool for like the whole summer.I don't understand why I stopped going out and hanging at just random places cause I love people, UNTIL I lose interest. - I don't like when boys I don't like put their hands on me, it makes me feel weird. EVVVVVEEEEN if they are just messing around &trying to tick me off. It's just something I don't like. +/-I've been listening to "A Gentleman Caller" from Cursive for 3 days straight, and it still hasn't gotten old. Well, maybe a little bit, but so? -I don't know what I'm gonna do about all these boys "entering my life". They're throwing confusion at me w/out even meaning to.:-/, I hate it. Confusion is the worst thing in the world. +/-I do like this one boy, but I can't. He's everything I said I didn't want. +Me&Ashton are back to how it was. I'm happy, cause I missed it. We just needed a break, it was probably the whole losing interest thing. <3mehg Current Mood: confused Current Music: Cursive "A Gentleman Caller" (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 11th, 2005
4:40 pm	... So uhh, I hung out w/ Ash, Nick, Cox, and Patrick last night. Mhm, yep. Ashton told me everything I had been wanting to know about her and Trevor, and it's all good now. She thinks she loves him:-). Well yeah, I'm going to Fatdaddy's to see LAE aaahhhhuuuuhhhhh $7 be there or be fucked. (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 9th, 2005
11:41 pm	... Girls, girls, girls.All I really want is girls. NOT. I wish them and their way of thinking would disappear.Think like a "man", and fuck them all over. It's easier that way, more money, more dicks,& less chick... fights. What the fuck?I know this is a big deal being made out of something so small.I just wish my point could be proven. We're the ditched/dumped/fucked. They take us for stupid one-nighters, good relationships w/ great sex, and all the other great things that come from us. In the end, NO MATTER WHAT THEY(guys) SAY we are the ones tricked to thier hospital beds for their comfort. Some of us know their game, and that they are ALL the same. Those of us who do have found it to be of great use, everything we want is in our hands. I'll NEVER ever ever let a boy use me, make me play detective, or make me cry. Believe it or not those things actually become handy in life. Figure it out: HATESEX&COMFORT. FUCKSONENIGHTSTANDS&SMILES. BRACELETSRINGS&KNIVES. Boys are our suicides. Current Mood: curious Current Music: MSI (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 4th, 2005
12:14 pm	... He's every song. He's every high. He's every tear. He's everything. :-/ I miss him. When I turn 18 I'm going to get him. We'll then go to Vegas like he always wanted. He'll see what a shit place it is, and we'll leave. I still love him after all this time. He's the most interesting person I've ever met. He keeps me entertained. =) Sadly, he's 9832759426 miles away:-/ Current Mood: curious (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 1st, 2005
4:36 pm	(2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 31st, 2005
10:49 pm	BLEEDING IS BELIEVING So many things can make a person think about things they wish they could change. Right now, I want to change my dad into someone everyone will accept. I wish he'd listen and get help like he needs to. I'm scared for my brothers, I don't think he'd ever go so far as to hurt them, but sometimes I can't be sure. THAT TEMPER OF HIS HE CAN'T HOLD. I don't understand why he doesn't try. I think he gave up, I want to show him giving up isn't the way. You have to try for what you want. He has two daughters TWO he's letting slip away, +a son. He's holding onto two boys, scared and frightened. I don't think he understands love & care. If he did he'd try, he wouldn't give up. He wouldn't wish them gone, so he can leave. Sometimes I get so scared I FREAKOUT I remember trying to hold him that night when his mom almost slipped away, he just pushed me away. He hasn't given up on her, but it's to late. I wish he'd see giving up on people, and things lost is not what he should do now. I don't think he understands how much this tears me apart. He never calls to talk to me, he doesn't even ask if I'd like to visit. truth is.. I don't think I'd like to. I'm like him in so many ways, I'm scared. I wish he'd change for us. I know he's doing many drugs right now, and I don't want my brothers around that. I had a friend overdose at my house with his prescription, I'm not saying that's his fault, I'm just saying why would he leave things like that lying around. My brothers are coming Sunday, I don't know what I'm gonna do or say when I see them. They seem so distant, and lost, I'm not there to talk them through things anymore. Dallas used to tell me everything, and I'd hold him when cried when they'd fight. Sometimes I think this is my fault, if I wasn't here they wouldn't have split up, they'd be happy. That's what I want, I don't show it. I mainly have a cover, a selfish one. Really, I think about these things daily, sometimes it becomes to much, and I take it out on myself. I don't know maybe he'll change, maybe we all will. Current Mood: crushed (Comment on this)
12:50 pm	... Okay, so I've been at Tif's for a few days. I'll write about that later though. Ahh, I think I did something wrong. I did it because I liked him, but I know it could never happen. It's just waaaay to not right, I guess? I don't know. Oh well. I'm soooo tired, I'm gonna crash out. Current Mood: blank (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 28th, 2005
9:40 pm	Summertime. Nick&Cox=tall fuckers cameover last night. Ryan's got hockey, then me& him to gethot chocolate. If not tonight, sometime this weekend. Haven't talked to Ashton for a few days, ittt's a fallout. Mmmm, out. Current Mood: aggravated (Comment on this)
Friday, May 27th, 2005
1:11 pm	... So, I had another anxiety attack(panic attack same dif.) last night. I'm ONLY 15. I've had them since I was 13, the first time I had one they thought my appendix burst, but that meant I would have been dead by the time the ambulance got there. They didn't take me to the hospital for that reason. They told me to go home, and sleep and make a doctors appt. The doctor didn't want to give me depression pills, cause I'm too young, and I may get addicted. I know how to control these attacks now, but I don't want them AT ALL. I hate them, they come at the worst times, but I guess that's what they do. After it happened I decided I need a few weeks away from friends, some time for myself, I need to figure some things out. I don't like Texas, I know I can deal for 2 more years, but I just don't know if I WANT to. I called who I always call when I have anxiety attacks, Zak. He's good for me, but at the same time he's not. I'm not so sure ANYTHINGS worth it anymore. I can't make REAL friends here, and I don't know why. The ones that could possibly become good friends, I won't let in, cause I don't want them. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
12:35 am	BOYS. An excuse to get laid, but we don't all get paid. I FUCKING HATE EVERYSINGLE ONE OF THESE FUCKS IN TEXAS. Their not real, they're all fake, and fucked. IHATE IT HERE, I HATE ITHERE. TEXAS=SHIT. SHIT=TEXAS. FUCKEM. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 23rd, 2005
6:39 pm	What I don't think he knows... Is that I want to kiss him also, and I want to be w/ him also. When I was w/ Ryan, I would talk to him(Michael) ALL night long, I never once thought about Ryan, or even calling him to see how he wasdoing. Ryan realized he lost me, and then cheated on me, and moved on. I would always look forward to talking tohim, because he made me laugh nonstop, and I was always smiling. TODAY WAS GOOD FOR MYLAST DAY. KEG PARTY ON LAKE TOMORROW. AFTERSCHOOL THING. ASHTON SAID IF I DON'T GO TO SCHOOL SHE'S NOT CALLING ME ABOUT IT. ANNNNND....SHE TOLD ME NOT TO CALL HER UNTIL THE DAY AFTER THE KEG PARTY. SHE WANTS ME TO VIDEO TAPE THE GRADUATION THING. HER &TREV ARE GETTING AN AWARD. I'm not going though. SCCCREEEEW THAT. SADI CALLED, I might be hanging out w/ her tomorrow. Jon called also right when I walked in the door from school lol. NO NEGATIVES TO HIM, HE'S ALL POSITIVES, &IN MY BOOK, NEGATIVES GET THE GRL, BUT I WANT POSITIVES. Current Mood: crazy (Comment on this)
7:35 am	BOYconfusion... ALWAYS the worst kind. I wish this didn't happen. I hate being confused, I hate breaking hearts, and I HATE decisions. I JUST KNOW ONE THING RIGHT NOW, AND THAT'S THAT I LIKE MICHAEL ALOT. Through all this boy confusion I forgot about my PASSION for music. MUSIC IS MY LOVE, AND THEONLY REAL LOVE LIFE I'LL EVERHAVE. I got to see HotTopic Guys(Josh) band play. ♥MISMEHG Current Mood: aggravated Current Music: It Smells of Sex&Mannequins "Why Trees Never Last" (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, May 22nd, 2005
6:39 pm	... "I don't know what to do or what to say I am going insane All about a girl She's amazing...no...she's UNBELIEVABLE There's something about her that makes me go insane Could this be love? She knows that I like her But what she doesn't know is how much I like her I've NEVER felt like this about a girl before...EVER I know she likes me...but I don't know how much She probably doesn't like me as much as I like her though How does she feel about me? This is going to drive me INSANE!!!! This is torturing me If I could only know what she feels......" MICHAEL:-D Current Mood: thoughtful Current Music: SOAD "Prison Song" (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 21st, 2005
7:56 pm	DEATH. alone. & scary. I killed a wasp today. chopped off his head with an icecream box. Then a few minutes later he was still trying still alive& his head wasn't even connected. Scary. Do some living things actually even REALLY try that hard? Maybe he thinks there's still a chance to live & he needs to figure it out. So he's still living. He's very good at it, he's been alive for a long time now. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
12:24 pm	AHHH. Okay, last night was fun. Def. a moodupper for how I've been feeling the past fewdays. I met Nick, he's a cuuttiie. BUUUUT THIS ONE... Jon.15. 1monthVegetarian. Thinks sex is disgusting. Technician. Does lights for In Her Loving Memory. &a bunch of other stuff. He's amazing, but he lives in Denison. +ILIKE MICHAEL. I got drunk last night w/ Bailie&Ash. I'm glad we got things straightened out. :-) I feel much better about my last day on Monday now. ♥MISMEHG Current Mood: crappy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 18th, 2005
9:16 pm	Don't let me DRIFT. Friends drifting=a HUGE mood swing on both persons behalf. I think that's what happens when you drift from friends. Maybe it's true, maybe not. "Your turning into everyone else" I'm thinking I'm not, I'm thinking I'm turning away from you turning into me. Sounds ALOT better in my head, thank god it does. I have to respect myself, and like myself, and your opinion will NOT change MY opinion of me. I will know me for life, not you. I'll probably drop you for what you said to me today. I'm better off. "Winfrey? Your throwing your life away." My life has been thrown away, and besides I won't nothing to come out of it. What I want to become in life, does NOT include an acception into a nice college. It DOES include a job making tons of money, but I don't need money to keep me happy. I don't have it now, I barely EVER go shopping, I could care less. Also, the fact that you said your throwing your life away, and that the highschool campus that we would be attending in 10th grade had access to ANY kind of drug, kind of made me wonder whether or not YOU were throwing your life away. I've been clean for 11 days, longest I have went in Texas w/out drugs. Although, I DID drink. I'm changing myself for the better of my future, not for the better of everyone else. F U C K what you think, & F u c k what you say. I don't need you. Current Mood: confused (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 17th, 2005
7:39 pm	.... LOVE IS. FUCKED&FAKE. I'm not going to NC. I've decided not to, besides Bobbi didn't answer when I called. It's cool though, I'll stay here. I miss everyone there though. I want to go back, but idk. BLAH. I can't believe he would even think about getting violent w/ Ashley. STUPID MISTAKE. I'll fuck him up if he lays one hand on her. I don't like violent boys, unless it's the violence that's hurting someone who deserves it. Then it's fair violence. But being violent towards someone who doesn't deserve it, and if weaker then you is unfair. I HATE IT. I HATE BOYS. Current Mood: cranky Current Music: Asian Rave (Comment on this)